The Void 2

Paul’s eyes fluttered over Richard’s features; his expression, relaxed by sleep, the way his thin dark hair rested in tousled strands upon his brow, his soft, broad lips and stout nose, and the muscular chest his lover was so proud of, all illuminated by the soft golden glow of the sun through their curtains. He was angelic, this man. Perfect.
Pauls hand hovered above Richard’s heart, the short guitarist wondering if the warmth he felt radiating from it was all in his imagination. He turned his hand on its side, cupping it as if he were about to whisper in someone’s ear. “Are you still mine?”
The question had been directed to Richard’s heart, but his lips answered. “Mmm’wha you talkin’ bout Paul?”
Suddenly, Richard’s features changed; his face contorting into a frown, brow knitting, eyes peeling open to observe Paul distrustfully. Paul watched the transformation with a sinking heart. “Are we.. Are we okay?” He ventured.
“Not this again.” Richard croaked, putting a hand up as if attempting to bat the question away. He shifted in the bed, trying to roll away from Paul, but his lover gripped his shoulder, gently yet persistently turning him back. “WHAT PAUL?” Richard snapped, huffing in frustration.
“Richard, I need to know..”
“We’re fine!”
“Well yes that, but I mean there’s more.. Firstly, I just.. I don’t feel like we are fine. I feel like you’re hiding yourself from me, refusing to share your true feelings. And secondly, I need to know if.” Paul sighed, his brow knitting in frustration as the words refused to leave his mouth. He didn’t want to ask, he was scared what the answer would be.
“If..?” Richard prompted irritably once Paul had been silent a few seconds.
“I need.. I need to know if you still find me attractive.” Paul’s voice was soft and uncertain, his eyes averted. He sounded and looked as if he’d been defeated already.
Richard stared at him in silent admonishment for a moment, “Ten years. Ten years we’ve been together, and now you’ve just decided to start playing teenage angsty games with me?  Do I find you attractive?” Richard scoffed, “Let’s be honest Paul; neither of us is looking our best but in the ‘Stay youthful and handsome’ game there’s a clear winner in this relationship.”
Paul felt his cheeks burning with a steadily developing anger at Richard’s words. “You’re incredibly vain, Richard. Do you know that?”
“I’ve got reason to be. I’m not looking bad by any measure, and lots of people would love..”
“A chance to be with you, yeah. You said last night.” Paul sneered at his lover, masking the pain he felt at Richard’s responses with an angry backlash.
Richard huffed again, rolling out of bed, “You know what, Paul? You’re so.. so.. I can’t.” He waved his hands in the air, indicating towards his lover. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” Paul was out of the bed in a flash, trying to pull his lover into his arms but finding Richards’s body less than compliant. “Richard I love you.” He spoke without hesitation.
“Yeah, so you said last night.” Richard stopped himself then, pinching the bridge of his nose and exhaling strongly, eyes closed. When he looked back at Paul his eyes were full of compassion and sorrow. “I can’t do this anymore, Paul, I just can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t be with you, we’ve come too far and we’ve.. we’ve lost each other. It was like we used to be entwined; our souls, and now we’re just so far apart. There’s an empty space between us we just can’t fill – where our love used to lie.”
“My love has never changed.” Paul insisted, gripping his partner tight.
“Well, mine has.” Richard sighed, steadily untangling himself from Paul’s embrace.
“Tell me.” Paul refused to let go, burying his face in the crook of Richard’s neck and kissing him there. “Tell me what’s come between us and I’ll change it. I’ll do anything.”
“There’s nothing you can do.” Richard pushed Paul away more insistently, voice becoming less patient.
“Anything!” Paul begged, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you Richard, you know that.”
“No Paul, you don’t understand. It’s, it’s not you it’s..”
“Don’t give me that line.” Paul looked at Richard more seriously for a moment. “Don’t do this. Just don’t. Go make yourself a coffee, come back to bed and wake up a little. We can... We can forget this ever happened, I’ll forgive everything. It’s all my fault, okay?”
“Paul.” Richard seemed to concentrate very hard on his lover’s chest, refusing to meet the man’s eyes as he spoke. “I’ve never been very good at staying faithful in relationships.”
“Th-that’s okay. That’s why we have our rules isn’t it? You can fuck but don’t get mixed up with emotional attachments.” Paul offered optimistically, a hint of genuine fear creeping into his eyes.
“Not this one.” Richard spoke softly, gaze still averted. “I – She’s different.”
“A woman?” Paul knew Richard was straight; that their relationship was an exception, but for some reason it still surprised him to find Richard was leaving him for some girl. Perhaps reacting to that spared him from reacting to the bigger issue, which was beginning to seep through the corners of his mind now – Richard was leaving him, he’d had an affair and fallen in love with someone else. “It won’t work out.” He blurted, “You’re throwing away something so good for a moment of passion, which will probably fizzle out long before you reach your tenth anniversary.”
“Stop Paul.” Richard murmured, “Stop, it’s over now. We’re done.”
“No!” Paul felt tears finally flooding over his cheeks. “No I won’t stop. I can’t stop. I love you, why don’t you love me?”
“Paul..”
“Richard, why? Why don’t you love me anymore – please! Make this pain stop, tell me it’s a joke. Please Richard, please.. God, how has this happened? How the fuck has this happened to us?” Paul was crying desperately, hands cupping over his face to hide his features as he crouched down, slumping onto the floor.
“I – I have to go.” Richard stroked his hair awkwardly. “I’ll come back later to get my stuff. I want you to know I still care about you Paul.”
Paul didn’t respond, the words seeming to drain the soul from him and leave him empty. There was a rustling as Richard hastily finished dressing himself, the sound of the other man’s feet padding through the flat to the front door, jingling keys and then the click of the front door shutting.
And then Paul was alone.